waking up on the wrong side of the bed

it happens.
it's not even that i'm angry, mostly just sucky...maybe kinda whiney.

i'm really nervous about my exam tomorrow.
and i've never ever been any good at studying. i don't know how to make study notes. the context isn't even hard but i have the worst short term memory.

So, jenn liles did this unreal gypsy/cobra piece on some dudes arm that totally sold me on having her do my sleeve ( i feel like im tattoo artist cheating... it's terrible ) but her lines are so so thin and the features in all her female faces are so perfect and exactly what i want i think she'll do an incredible job.

there are a few things that are really irritating me right now, but i guess i'll just drink too much tomorrow night with katie to even think about them.

i thought i saw ollie in the subway yesterday. it made me feel like i was going to puke instantly. not even because i ever even remotely think about him ever but more because this time i wouldn't have any sort of escape plan.
turns out i didn't need one anyway.

anyway, wish me luck!

xo

this latte is shitty

instant latte.
bad call.

http://vimeo.com/8176533

adam and i made a gingerbread house. it's really cute and im really happy that the cats aren't eating it.
i'm really happy that we have power again.
i'm really happy that i saw katie on saturday.
i'm really happy that my boyfriend knows that i love head bands and feathers and a combination of the two.
i'm really happy.


oh.


and i'm quitting my job.

xo

my new serious beef.

COMPLAINERS. CONSTANT COMPLAINERS.
i have my fair share of shit to be unhappy with, but not all the time and not all the time publically.

wah, my paradise vacation is too hot.
wah, my adorable new puppy is being a pain.
wah, my friends who are my friends this week but i hated last week are all inconsiderate. (duh)
wah, i stay up way too late for no reason in particular and now im too tired to function so i'm going to complain about it all fucking day
wah, wah, wah, wah fucking wah.

shut up. no one cares. and i wish it wouldn't cause mad teen DRAMZ for me to just cut you all out of my life completely.

on a brighter note, i can't wait to make a gingerbread house this year.
or for mom to make me empire cookies.

lovelove.

xo

breaking point

There just comes a point.
and i think i just hit it.

it started that night...

when we were sitting across the table from them and he squeezed more lime into her black bean soup and then she kissed him.
and everyday since then all i can think is... that used to be us.
and i just don't know why it isn't anymore.

how do you tell someone you care about more than anything in the entire world that they need help.

so much on my mind. so much time all the time to try and figure things out but i dont want to face the realities of what i need to do to make everything ok again.
because after all... it might never really be ok again.

fact.

xo

OCTOBER IS AWESOME

OCTOBER 2nd- night in with vik
OCTOBER 3rd- Vaughn mills with momma, Nuit Blanche with Liz and JenJen
OCTOBER 4th- Andrew w.k with JenJen
OCTOBER 10th- Adamlove comes home i hopehope
OCTOBER 13th- Gaslight Anthem/ Loved Ones with Adamlove
OCTOBER 23rd, 24th, 25th- NYC with momma
OCTOBER 26th- Metallica with Adamlove
OCTOBER 30th- Cro Mags
OCTOBER 31st- First class, Halloween as Little Red Riding Hood with Adamlove


xo

while you're out travelling the world.

i'm here just looking for a reason to leave it all behind.

so school?

i guess so.
my classes are as follows...( the first few sound so hokey....but i have to take them as pre requisites to the make up course...)

October 31st - November 21st - Makeup Colour Theory - Saturdays 10:00 - 3:30
November 28th - December 19th - Art of Eyebrow Shaping - Saturdays 10:00 - 4:00
January 5th - February 4th - Skin Preparation - Tuesdays and Thursdays 6:00 - 10:00

February 16th - May 27th - Professional Makeup I - Tuesdays and Thursdays 6:00 - 10:00

Excited? yeah.
i'll be even more excited if i can quit my job at the end of october and do all of this faster.

xo

it has been so long

i was on a blog rampage and then it stopped.
i don't know if i got sick of hearing myself moan and groan or more just self conscious that other people were.
i've had a bit of time to think about things. a lot of time actually.. probably more than i wanted.
and to be honest i should be a lot more sure of what i'm feeling, than i currently am right now.

i saw evan last night. Evan is like the one person i wish i could have in my life everyday that i can't. Everything about him in so sincere and genuine, and i already miss him more than i did before i got to spend time with him yesterday.

can we just go ahead and fast forward the next month of my life.... because i have a feeling things are going to get really weird. i've gotten myself into a couple weird situations right now and i don't really want to think of ways to have to get myself out of them.
i'd like to just skip it all together.

please.

xo

so...

i beat a cab across town last night on my bike.
granted they probably got stuck in a lot more traffic than i did.... but i'm still fairly impressed with myself.


I LIKE TO GO FAST.
YA.

xo

so much for the afterglow

i am tired of missing you.

period.

just because you believe in something doesn't mean it exists.

lets roll with that for a moment.
true/false: you can will something into existence
true/false: it doesn't matter the outcome, its the willingness to try
true/false: good things really are worth waiting for

why do i regret last night so much.

so much heartbreak

in one little girl.

xo

yeah.

i guess at some point in my life i did something to deserve all of this.
bye.

xo

ignorance is bliss

im at a place right now where i dont really know how to move on from here because i dont know where i want to go first.
might sound cool, because it means i have options, but it's not...because as all of you know that means i have to make a decision and decision making is not my finest quality as a human.
it makes me jealous of all those that have no ideaaa whats going on in the world outside of their own pitiful lives. sure they may not get to experience anything or gain any sort of worldly knowledge, but they learn how to be infinitely comfortable in their own lives doing whatever it is that they do best.
i'm considering putting the money i was going to spend on going to NYC towards other things. going to NYC alone would be fun for all of 6 hours before i didn't know how to entertain myself anymore and i'd just get uncomfortable. plus staying in a hotel by myself is going to be outrageously expensive.
Maybe i'll just go to Jersey to see Evan and do a day trip. i dont know.
everyone is excited to go back to school in september and hearing them talk about it makes me really sad. not to the point of tears or anything i just wish i could have even a little bit of help going back to school so that i could start sooner rather than way, way later. sure i appreciate having to work for things in my life as opposed to having everything handed to me but i'm old enough now that i understand the value of responsibility and self provision, so a little help would just be really nice.

i feel like something is missing from my life. i've really only felt it in the past 2 weeks, and i don't really know what im supposed to fill the void with.
again, with the decisions.
xo

is that what you call a get away?

well tell me what you got away with...

For once i actually HOPE that you read this.

it might just be a power drill (that isn't yours by the way, incase you forgot...that you also didn't ask to "borrow")
But it is now also a perfect representation of why we are no longer, and will never be friends.
you have no respect for yourself.
you have no respect for other people.
and you are still the most selfish person i think i've ever had the unfortunate oppourtunity of knowing.

im also sure my dad will be stoked, you fucking idiot.
Have a great time in niagara falls. I hope you fail as successfully there as you did here.

xo

im not the queen of the world but im the queen of the streets...

i just want to live a cute life.
sans illnesses.
sans shitty people.
sans unnecessary stress.

im going to montreal this weekend with katie. hang out with some friends... shopping therapy. aux vivres! maybe a night of drinking and dancing... i hope. and most importantly, clear my head. figure out what i really want.
it'll make it that much easier to set a plan in motion to get my life in order.

P.S.

SEE YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
wouldn't want to fuckin' be ya.


xo

over and over.

its just one thing after another. it doesn't stop. and the more i keep trying to fool myself into thinking this is what i need to do, it's stupid. and it's killing me inside.
it's so fucking stupid.
THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID. WAKE UP.
i might have fucking celiac disease which... i dont even know. its not a huge deal but it effects my life massively and it's just the last thing i fucking need right now. fucking gluten.
i'm so sick of trying be there for everyone and always feeling so fucking alone all the time when i need someone.
i find it really funny that with all the stuff im currently trying to deal with i still find time for people who are important to me and who need me no matter how hard it is.
i dont do things based on what im going to get in return EVER, but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i'm not fine, so stop telling me i'll be fucking fine.

xo

it's weird

that im closer than i thought i would be...
but thats what's driving me to just give up.


xo

shove your hope where it don't shine

serious down night.

"once i was nothing but now i'm just meant for you...

i.
was meant.
for you."

sometimes this is so much harder than other times... tonight is the first time i've cried about it in a while and i think i've been doing pretty terrific otherwise.
i dont know if its just because sometimes i miss you more on certain days, or the fear that sits in the back of my mind that someone better is just around the corner for you, i just can't shake the downs.

i can't believe your cupcakes melted. :(
i just want all of this to be over so we can just go back to be being best friends and being the worlds best couple so i dont have to say sorry for all the feelings i have for you.


this is dumb.
love is a battlefield?
fuck you pat benatar.

xo

like this like this like this

"i dont care about your tits, you could be an a cup."

amen, brother.

so secure.

im still so bitter about missing 3oh3 due to food poisoning.

Walks + Talks + Melted Cupcakes + Mixed Cds. (why don't people still make these.... this is actually the best thing ever!)
even though i dont see you as much as i wish i could you're still the best thing in my life, i hope you know that.

i'd probably wait forever, i just hope for my sake (and other more specific parts of me) it doesn't take that long.

xo

for those following along at home.

today was one of the worst days ive had in weeks.
today also would have been 5 months.

i really wish i didnt have to end the night off with a reminder of why i consider myself to be substandard.

but i mean, other than me, who really cares?

xo

again?

really?
fuck.

this is getting really old...
I GET IT. i'm supposed to be bummed right now. too much self righteousness for the current cycle of my life. tone down the positivity.

i get it.
now stop FUCKING me. i'm a really good person. why dont you go give weird illnesses to some child molester.
atleast then it would be justified.


fuck!

P.S.

i have a lot of p.s. posts...

“I looked in all the places you aren’t. I just can’t find the places you are. I only know that you are where I am not.”
— A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

xo

driving with insects

i dont know.

it's thunderstorming outside for the second time today, and rain makes me pensive...
sundays are always worse for me now than when we were together. hahah i know that sounds stupid but eventhough we always said goodbye on sundays there was somethng comforting about having you here until i could barely keep my eyes open anymore.

theres nothing i could possibly want more right now than to have you here with me while i force you to watch trueblood.

not even a pony.

xo

hey, electrical outlet girl

getfucked!

no seriously, get fucked.


xo

http://ilovetaggingpostswithidiot.tumblr.com

i forgot to blog yesterday! so weird. seeing as i've been on a blogging rampage for the past two months.
but jen wanted me to get a tumblr. and wouldn't you know it, i already had one! that i started ages ago and then obviously hated. and didn't even post in it.

http://lastweeksfrontpageheadline.tumblr.com

i actually like the layout of it more than my blog. but it doesn't really serve the same purpose.

blahblahblah.

today i am going to try and finish the last of my room organizing... i need to find some boxes to fit under my bed and i dunno... some other stuff to make everything look a lot less bare. mostly i just need to get this storage situation under control.
i'm also super excited to go buy super fun groceries. i'm a nerd.

i'm going to this thing tonight for my step aunt who got married at city hall yesterday. then i'm probably going to go to wrongbar and meet up with robbie mcneil the party monster for some pink mafia party that will probably be a huge rip off and full of people that look like shemale nerds and AA models, same thing?

so stoked on having nicky back in my life so much lately... got the most rediculous e-mail from him last night being drunk on patron in L.A. and it was nothing less than awesome. hopefully when i take my holidays in september and go to new york for a few days we'll actually get to hang out.

aside from these fucking outrageous cramps i just had to suffer through all night... things are pretty alright. i haven't felt this self involved in along time...but for the first time it doesn't feel like a bad things.

russian roulette is not the same without a gun and baby when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun.

i still haven't figured out how to fix my blog yet.. i don't even know what i did to it and none of you will notice but it's made it increasingly more irritating to update.

ANYWAY,

xo

the weight of the world

is only as heavy as you make it.

i should stop looking at time as my enemy... because it's all i have.
and i don't mean that in a gloomy way. i mean that in an "i have all the time in the world" way.
especially for the likes of your sunburnt, hooligan ass.

xo

I really dont want to bring this up right now

but i'm going to anyway.
because it's one of those days.

I wish i knew how you felt. about anything.
i am obviously an open book when it comes to feelings, as anyone who knows me is probably painfully aware of.
but you... i have all the reasonings... and i think i'm starting to get the distance you want me to be at but i still don't know how you feel about anything.
it's actually like trying to see through a brick wall if we're talking a comparison on the level of difficulty.
Infact there's a lot of things that i'm not sure about that im too afraid to bring up because i don't want you to get mad at me.
but i'm at a point right now where i either go on with what i'm doing because ideally thats what i want to do, or i don't. and that decision would be a whole lot easier for me to make if i had the slightest idea on what was going through your head.
there's a big obvious difference between being patient and being foolish. and i guess i just really do not want to be made a fool of.

xo

born to lose

i'm a huge ball of snarky rage today.
i don't want to see anyone until i'm 15 pounds lighter and my hair covers my tits.
not because i'm even remotely uncomfortable in my own skin currently... more just because i have something to prove to myself.
and to a lot of other people.
I'm carrying on and you're missing out.
end of story.

xo

shinfo

when i get really mad about something on the inside... i get this weird circular red spot on my throat like someone pressed their thumb against my skin really hard for too long.

Kinda like life is trying to choke me out.

immortal combat.

I'm posting this again because i am so in love with it.

there was areason that i started to write this but i can't think what it was anymore...
I've started to realize that if you walk everywhere like you have a serious purpose you tend to grab people's attention. NOT that i am looking for attention...
without really realizing it i'm just starting to pick up on things that make me feel more confident, i guess thats the point i'm trying to make.
Having stuggled with confidence pretty much my entire life it's weird to start to realize that maybe you aren't less than average just because less than average people treat you as such.
DUH, i know. that probably took me a lot longer to catch on to than it should have but atleast i'm starting to get up to speed.
It's tiring feeling like i need people who don't need me. infact as much as i would like to say i've met people who i thought needed me like i did them... i don't really think ANYONE has.
The more i can come to terms with being by myself, the less i will need other people to make me happy. and the more i can feel confident about me, the more time i can spend in my own presence.

THUS eliminating the need for... a lot of people.

am i talking in circles? i don't really care.

i've spent enough time caring about what other people think of me. i've spent enough time caring about who or who doesn't want to be with me and for what reasons. i've spent enough time dissecting every ounce of who i am to try and fix something that was never really broken in the first place.

I'm fucking awesome.
and I'm fucking gorgeous.
i'm smart, and i'm funny, and i'm generous and caring.
and all of that is only going to multiply once i start seeing it in myself everyday as opposed to once or twice a week.

xo

i dont think you even realize yet

how silly this actually is.

but you will.
xo

sleepiest.

welcome to my new and improved humble abode.
those are the wall decals my mom got me for my birthday... they sent me the wrong size in one of the red centres but it doesnt look too bad anyway. i don't think...
hopefully i'll be able to sleep better in a bed that isn't covered in clothes and a room that doesn't stick to me.

i still have loads of laundry to do but for two hours i think i did ok.


xo

l.o.v.e

Wu-Tang Lego: Da Mystery of Chessboxin' from davo on Vimeo.

oopsoopsoops

it's a really good thing that i don't own a credit card these days.
Leopard body suit?! yes please.

xo

oh my gosh.

wow i wish you weren't five hundred and ninety dollars. because this would look fucking phenominal on me. and i would wear it at home... everyday.. for myself.


guh.
xo

life is easy?

550$ and a one way ticket to montreal.

"I dunno what it means either. it just means it's gonna be ok. I'll get a job no problem and party with a million skinheads until my brain explodes"

I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say maybe this is one of the many reasons why we never worked.
i do however, wish that i could find it in me to live like you sometimes.
throwing caution to the wind is definitely not my forte.

good luck

xo

insomnia

i fall asleep for like 3 hours at a time and then im awake for the rest of the night.
technically, because i am sleeping it cant be considered insomnia. i know... but all i want is just like one solid nights rest. please please please.

i decided this morning that im going to get my drivers liscense. other than the extra cost of taking my tests and driving school... i cant see anything but positive things comming from me learning how to drive (other than possibly an acute case of road rage...)

i'm trying to figure out all the things that are either going to A) make my life easier, B) make me feel better about myself, or C) help me bring me closer to where i want to be in life... and then take them on one or two at a time to see what i can actually accomplish.
i figure the more i have going for me the less i'll need other people to justify my self worth. or something.
this is all very easy for me to say.

we'll see if i actually make it through any of this.

xo

holdin' it down.
but your feet are nothing alike.

xo

covered in cat hair

sometimes i wonder, that if i were a lot more attractive if my life would be any easier.
honestly, i'm going to say probably.
but i also probably wouldn't be as cool a person.
it's weird what things go through my head when i have nothing else to think about.

i don't want to be worried about anything anymore.
i dont want to have to second guess everything i know about this because i can't help but feel less than exceptional these days.
wahhhh. :(
atleast i'm trying.

xo

when being ignored becomes the story of your life.

its time to get a new fucking life.

3 steps back.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

and incase you were wondering, i did just type all of those out.

xo

HAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

HOO-AH!

whats up august. where did my fucking summer go. and more importantly, where did my fucking summer plans go?
who really cares anyway. i'm just so amped on not having jello for legs anymore i could care less about anything.
thats not true. but i could care less about most things.
I'm kind of pissed i didn't force myself to take spin classes when i was at extreme because then maybe i wouldn't have wasted my membership. OH WELL.
so i guess this is what my life is going to be. haha going to work and to the gym and back to the gym when i'm bored. why not. after this morning and my planned work out for this afternoon i'm probably going to want to jump off a bridge tomorrow.

blah blah blah exercise.

its funny how people see that you aren't with someone anymore and they come out of the wood work like fucking wolves. you aren't sorry, and you don't actually wanna hear me talk about it if i need to, and to be quite honest if i wouldn't get with you when i was single prior to this, i'm about 100 times less likely to get with you now. so don't even bother.

so much techno in my brain right now. it's like everything i do during the day i have to match to some rediculous bass beat or it isn't worth doing.
you probably think im kidding.
but im not.

xo

oh yeah.

i made a new blog. and no one can read it.
not that im going to stop writing in this one... it's just to help me stay in the miracle mindset ive thrown myself into without feeling self concious about my own thoughts or feelings.

you dont even need to know this.
i just love to write.

xo

fuck fuck fuck.

okay. so pma all the way blah blah blah thats COOL and all with what i currently have to deal with.
but i'm telling you right now life, if you have anything else SHITTY to unload on me... now would be the time to do it. i dont want it spaced out over the time im trying to get my shit together, because it's just going to fuck up all my plans. and more importantly it'll fuck me up. i can only take so much and then you do not want to see what happens. and i do not want to go back there.

capiche?

i can't believe i agreed to a 9:30am spin class.
i can't believe a lot of things right now.

xo

well,

that wrenches the heart a little.

time is my worst enemy right now.

xo

this is vulgar.

it's been two weeks already and i'm getting a little perturbed that i'm not going to have sex for a seemingly undetermined amount of time.

this is actually the least of my worries.
but i'm just sayin'.

xo

if only duct tape could fix everything

It seems that we're springing a leak, but I can't, I won't let us drown.
No I can't, I won't let you down.

i apologize in advance for this entire post.

after saying everything i could possibly say and going through the entire spectrum of emotions in a span of about an hour i told myself i had to be ok with this.
so i guess i better find a way to be ok with it, or we're just going to end up in the one place we're trying to avoid being.
this isn't really anyones business but i feel like if i don't write about it im not going to be able to feel better about anything.

There are people who pass in and out of my life everyday who i could care less about. infact i'd say about 90% of the people i meet are utterly usless and not even remotely impressionable in the bigger picture of my existence.
there have been a few when it comes to actual relationships that i thought i felt what i would have considered at the time to be "love" for... but being with you kind of changed my whole perspective on everything.
it's one thing to say the words but it's another thing to feel them with every ounce of your being. the whole "when you love something, let it go" theory seems like such bullshit to me only because when i thought i loved people and they didn't come back to me it seems to have left me a bit jaded on the whole idea.
but with you it's the only thing left thats giving me any hope for there to ever be an "us" again. which is an increasingly difficult thing for me to try and cope with when it still seems like i'm the only one who has to go on without you.
and how is this time different from any others? the difference is even after all the times i've been burned by this type of "i have to figure my shit out" scenario, i actually still believe you. as much as i tried to throw it back in your face yesterday, i believe that you meant everything that you ever said to me. and i believe it really is just bad timing.
i believe that everything happens for a reason... and if we can get through all this as friends... than it's only going to make us that much stronger on the other side.
And thats what i have to keep reminding myself. the hardest part of this entire thing isn't about not being able to call you my boyfriend anymore... its having to just sit back and watch you go through so much. it's not being able to see you. and it's especially not being able to tell you that i love you.
Because i do. so much. edit: and i have suddenly become aware of how deathly afraid i am of you falling out of love with me through all this.

i'm overwhelmed with so many feelings right now but the one thats hurting me the most is knowing how much i'm going to miss just being with you. you taught me how to love myself again. you taught me more about myself than anyone i think i've ever met... which is why this is so worth it to me to be whatever you need me to be right now. as i told you before and i'll probably tell you again, you're it for me. so i just hope you can remember what we have when you come out the other side of all this.

xo

is it just me?

or is it just me.

you are my target audience

there's so many things i want to say right now but i can't formulate proper sentences because im so exhausted.

i'm not going to constantly baby you about all this garbage. you're moving and i've already told you how much of a bad idea i think that is. No one deserves to have loved ones pass, but it happens and people can figure out normal ways to deal with this stuff without becomming a shit show. (not everyone... but most normal functioning human beings..)
I'm trying really hard to be there for you but A) i can only do so much when you dont want to make yourself feel better and B) maybe i have a ton of my own stuff going on that i need to figure out.
Thats always been the way with me and you though, and i don't really know why i put myself through it.

maybe i'm just hyper sensitive today but i feel like theres a little rain cloud hanging out over top my head down pouring on anything that's good in my life... which isn't much.
there is so much stuff reeling through my mind but most of it can be traced back to my original question of "why".
i've been thinking about writing all of it down incase i forget anything important. but it really all just means the same thing.


xo

3:10 am

and im still up watching true blood.
why cant i sleep.

24km

xo

dont even read this.

no seriously.

i love rob mcneil. and i love jen gillen. and i am so glad that i went out tonight and tried to have a good time. (because i did have a good time)
it was just hard being somewhere like that without you.
i missed the way i can dance like an idiot infront of you and you'll still look at me like i'm the only girl in the entire world.
for some reason it was just weird without you. i kept looking up thinking you'd be there and you weren't.
and this is the first time all weekend i've actually forced myself to think about us not being together. so this is also the first time all weekend i've actually cried.
it's weird to think that you don't miss me at all.
it's even weirder to think that maybe you do and you don't want to tell me.

my heart aches.
all i want is for the past week to go away so we can go back to my mom making you treats and us being best friends and super in love and watching planet earth on sundays.

my heart seriously, fucking aches.
xo

my life is a warzone

my life is a mess.

i just wrote the longest, angriest post i think of my entire existence.
which is saying a lot comming from me....
but knowing that i would probably regret it immediately.... i'll just say this:

i wish you meant it when you said "if you want to do this, i'll give it everything i've got with you."

and i'm sure i will have a ton of fun being totally heartbroken doing nothing this weekend.
thank you.

xo

start picking up the pieces

if there was ever a justifiable reason to drink in your room alone at 11 o clock... i would say this is as good as any.

look around your world pretty baby

is it everything you hoped it'd be?

xo

you think you know

but you have no idea.

...i had no idea.

black, like my heart

apparently.

i'm a little bit less than impressed that cropped tshirts are comming back.

this however...

...is nothing less than amazing.
xo

i never said that you deserved it

but i'll never say you didn't either.

xo

a long time ago we used to be friends

I'm really tired today.
i don't know if it's my actions or my current state of mind that has left me feeling so alienated lately but whatever it is i wish it would go away.
the only company I've been keeping outside of Adam is that of my bicycle. yesterday we (my bike and i) went all the way to college park in less than 15 minutes. it allows me to get out and just think about stuff i guess...plus I'm really tired of looking at myself lately and not seeing the girl who weighed like 137 pounds a year and a half ago. I'm determined to be fit again by the end of august which means i should probably start riding to work everyday as opposed to just a couple times a week ( if that ).
I also wish that i had better social skills. Nate and i were talking about how he could have a conversation with anyone (the girl in Starbucks tried to tell him the company started in Italy while justifying the names for the different sizes... in which he and her manager basically just told her how wrong she was ) Nate just has that ability to instantly befriend, or at least be sociable with anyone... and i do not. which is probably why i have such a hard time meeting new people.

At the very least, i like my job right now. and i like that i like the people i have to spend a minimum of 8 hours a day with. that really only leaves me with 3-4 hours to fill on my own to get to the weekends i spend with bf.

still can't wait for elvis fest.
i'm going to get drunk as shit.

xo

The Beautiful People

so im going through a weird marilyn manson thing right now. nbd.

this weekend ruled.
spending an actual friday night with adam was so nice. if it wasn't for him my "social life" as i know it would be even more non-existent.
Seeing fys on saturday was pretty much the best thing i didn't wuss out on. it's nice being so excited to see people and have them be equally as excited to see you too.
It's nice having insight on situations you were unsure about too. nice in a really relieving sort of way.

I'm bummed i didn't get to see rob on saturday. but i did spend all night yesterday with Nate and that ruled because i think i miss him more than most people who come in and out of my life. I hope he moves back because i would like to be able to hang out with him on a regular basis again... we used to do such fun stuff together.

My mission for now is to get through this week and buy sunglasses on friday. I want a pair of frogskin oakley's and funnily enough i saw a pair in a window on queen last night so i guess i'll go and see how much they are and if they have any other than those ugly pink ones....(so ugly.)
and then it will be off to Elvis Fest! which is weird! but it's going to be so funny and i'm dying to see Tom in costume. it's the only thing i've heard him get overly excited about while describing... ever. so it has to be good.

i would like to go to montreal before the usmmer is over and see Seb, and JF, and Dom.
i would also like to go back to new york city if i can but i don't know when i'll have time. i have to discuss my 2nd week of vacation with my boss soon (which i will NOT be spending at home alone this time thank goodness) which is like.. a little over a month and a half from now so i guess i better start saving some money... hahaha

anyway... i doubt anyone really cares about this update... as is the case with many of my updates, but thats ok.

xo

cuuuuuuuuute

i'm so totally buying thiiiiiiiiiiisss.
Eyeliner and Peacocks together atlast.

xo

skip school start fights

this album fucking sucks.


i dont know how much longer i can do this for.

reason number 6 billion

as to why my mom is awesome....

Julia Vandermolen 6am is stupid.
7 hours ago · Comment · LikeUnlike · View Feedback (7)Hide Feedback (7)

Janet Davis at 12:18pm July 15
it is if you're getting up - not so much if you're just getting to bed!!


Yep. that's real talk right there....

xo

oh....well....

minus the part about buying a fanny pack. that happened.

xo

HUZZAH!

i retract my last blog post.

xo

remember when

all i wanted to do tonight was ride my bike so i went out and bought a fanny pack so i could logically also bike to work without my purse etc....
and now i can't find my bike key and my bike will be forever locked to the railing outside my house.

fuck.

P.S.

Disney shirts aren't cool... and neither is puking on yourself.

GO HOME.
xo

boo-hoo.

i promised myself i wouldn't do this anymore but im not even sad i'm more just annoyed.

and when im annoyed i rant.

i don't know where any of my friends have gone. it's technically the middle of the summer and thus far i have:

been drunk a few times thanks to adam.

gone to NYC thanks to adam

and been to a patio ONCE. with katie. pre-my birthday. i dont even know if that can be considered summer. and i know all the fucking loner hearts out there reading this are just going to say "why don't you just do things by yourself" but lets be real here... are things ever as fun on your own? is going to a patio in the summer on your own fun? not really. is getting drunk and wandering home from whatever bar you were at on your own fun? definitely not.

is it fun being ignored? no.

is it fun being given excuses? no.

is it fun being stood up? no.

as i said i'm not sad about any of this. i don't mind spending time on my own i just wish if people didn't want to fucking hang out with me they'd just say i don't want to hang out with you. i don't even need a reason really... i'd just rather have the honesty than to be made to feel like i'm just second rank all the time to...whatever it is everyone likes to do more than hang out with me.

probably going to patios to get drunk so they can wander home....

just sayin'.

xo

just another reminder

that nothing is ever as it seems.

xo

alright alright.

back in black.

thats the eagle dress i made out of a 99 cent tshirt. it rules.

xo

Toronto, California, Pennsylvania, and the Dirty Jerz.

top four most tattooed guys on my facebook page?
Pat, Nick, Tom, and Rob...

and you're friends with three of them.
why am i not suprised.
why are you the biggest cougar ever.

who cares? i care... stop coug'n on my pals.

yuck.
xo

look back

and laugh.


xo

just when i thought it couldn't get any better....

There's a bunch of lizards and a turtle and some scorpians and snakes and stuff too but...they aren't cute.

needless to say, i want them all.

xo

if you wanna be my lover

cutest, spikey porcupine ring ever.

wow. i might even buy this for myself and be my own lover.
hahaha

xo

day 3 (technically 5)

of me not having a cell phone.
i mean i have a cell phone... but of me not having a cell phone that hasn't been shut off.
i think this is the first time in a long time that i've been so broke. i have 26$ in my bank account.
ouchies.
i blame new york.
and my new found love for going out to get lunch everyday.

and for all who didn't know, i got a raise at work. starting.. not this friday but two fridays from now. i'm not really sure how much it totals out to yet per pay cheque... but either way im excited.
it means in some little way i can save for school and start paying off little bits of my compiled debt.
something is better than nothing.

and you? you're better than everything. <3

xo

P.S.

New MTTM logo...

DNL. (donotlike.)

for the "M.O.B" of N.Y.C.... i would have expected a little more.
just sayin'.

xo

these:

are the best heels ever.

as if i didn't already hate my clumsiness and fat ankles.... i think after seeing these and knowing i would never be able to wear them... i hate my clumsiness and fat ankles tenfold.

fml.

xo

it would be really awesome...

if you could stop being so HOMO all the time.
no homo? SO HOMO.

xo

whatever man,

rock and roll.

this just in:

i am sweet.
as in a sweetheart.

just sayin'.

xo.

i hate my blog white.

it seriously upsets me.
but im too lazy to change it right now.

one craft at a time.

still crafting my bike pad... may have made it a bit small this time. fml. i can still fix it.

remember these?
http://www.surfacecollective.com/index.php?nav1=detail&product_id=31

MY MOM GOT THEM FOR ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
because she FUCKING rules. (special shout out to the best boyfriend ever who drops really good hints....)

i'm going to NYC on friday, adam is going to put my straight bars on and today wound up being wicked. fuck my work. it's not important anyway.
all i have to do is get through tomorrow.

send me good vibes!
xo

mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

i just spent so many hours making a post cover for my bike. arts and craft hour was extended far beyond my bed time and now it's 2 am. my alarm goes off in 4 hours. sweet.

and the worst of it all is that i think it's still too big.
im sure... somehow.... i'll make it work. before adam kidnaps my bike on wednesday.

i hate when you go to sleep first. i miss you a lot less when i fall asleep on you mid conversation.

the weather this week is supposed to be unreal... hopefully i can ride my bike to work tomorrow.

xo

i dont know what the big deal is.

but it's a big deal, and it has been for a while now.
this is the first time i haven't wished you a happy fathers day. it's probably time i got some things off my mind...

in other news i am ultimately retarded. and cause myself more greif than is ever necessary.
think about it, sort it out, and get on with it. thats all there is to it.
it makes me somewhat angry to think that the only problem we've ever had was a direct cause of me being an idiot.

i'm going to NYC next weekend somewhat unexpectedly! i'm really excited. and i get to bring my bike. doubly excited. that will be more than enough to help me cruise through this week i'm hoping.
PLUS i might get to see evan! and it'll be mine and adam's first somewhat of a trip together, (+jason) so it's special.

i'm a big huge sack of gay.

xo

i dont know what you're talking about.

and at this point in my day, i really don't care either.

working 8 hours and then being stuck in a room with unrealistic looking human beings to make me feel infinitely worse about myself for an extra 5 is not my idea of a good time.

one of them asked me about my black flag tattoo....

"tell me about your tattoo!"
"it's a black flag tattoo....they're a punk band from the early 80's"
"oh cooooooooooooooooooool...were you in the band?"
".......................no."


yeah ok, so i've been a little cranky lately.
i know.
i'm sorry.

for the record... i just have a lot on my mind. i have a lot on my plate at work. i'm getting weird illnesses that really only occur in children under 10. and i'm having trouble times 100 seeing myself that way i did a year ago.

i'm just frustrated. at life. in general.







those are the only three things i seriously want in my life and i can't have any of them. atleast not immediately.

i'm hungry. it's 20 to 12:00.
maybe i should eat for the first time today.

xo

oakville hardcore

wait...what?

My bk cup next to your bk cup.

in the van.

going places.

story of our lives, right?

love you.

xo

parasite

(păr'ə-sīt')


1. Biology. An organism that grows, feeds, and is sheltered on or in a different organism while contributing nothing to the survival of its host.

2. One who habitually takes advantage of the generosity of others without making any useful return.
One who lives off and flatters the rich; a sycophant.

3. A professional dinner guest, especially in ancient Greece.


you'll never get it... so dont bother.
xo

P.S.

how adorable is mischa barton in this photo.
excuse you.

www.missselfridge.com

i'm addicted.
xo

realizations.

sometimes they're the fucking worst.
i mean, dissapointing.
sometimes they're fucking dissapointing.

you hang out with someone who you really respect for a long period of time and drink too much coffee and drink too much wine and talk about literature and dead writers and jazz music and then they turn into a douche bag.
or maybe they were a douche bag all along and you only thought you respected them because you drank too much wine and they could still talk about literature, dead writers and jazz music.

who knows.


xo

so what the fuck ever

so i told myself i would make useful posts that people care about. and maybe, someday, i will.

maybe.

but for the time being i'm going to write whatever i want. because thats what i do and thats what im going to continue doing. especially today.

so my search for a new job has slowed somewhat significantly once i realized that no one has called me for a job interview. this is the first time in my entire life i have ever had any problem getting atleast an interview. it's stressful.

and to make matters worse my mind fuck of a boss is being sweet as pie. for almost an entire week so far! it makes me happy to go to work but i feel like im constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop...like there's a catch to everything or that darkness is looming over everything that comes out of my mouth that she may not agree with.

i've been finding myself going through these mini fits of rage lately. like with no cause or anything i just suddenly hate everything for a span of about 2 hours and am the most foul human being ever.

no pleasant. not sure if it's stress or (other) but i wish i knew because believe it or not i don't like being foul.

tonight i have to figure out how i am going to weasel my way to getting osap again so i can go back to school. my mom mentioned something about "throwing myself at the mercy of the government"...but im not sure i like that idea.

speaking of my mom. i love her.

xo

question

is "hi hi" like "hehe" to french candians?

i don't get you, quebec.

FYI

Stock Ale is the New Pabst.

GWTP.

xo

ladybug

ryan kearney is sitting on the couch across from me talking like a 5 year old about the hockey hall of fame.... i love him. and i'm super impressed with his friend randal. coolest dude ive met in a long time.
i'm so glad he asked to stay at my house. makes me miss the time i got to spend on the road with him and the guys. makes me wish i didn't have a real job so i could take time off to see people i want to see more...and just generally have more freedom.

i want to win the lottery so i dont have to work anymore and i can just go back to school and freelance.

so my dresser can look like this:

and my bed can look like this:

and my desk at work would look like this:

and i could make people and pictures look like this:

then i would buy ice cream cones like this:

duh.

xo.

abandoned!

well... i forgot about my blog.

i did not however forget about rosemary and olive oil triscuits or how much you suck.

whats new for me in the past little while? good question.

i watch a lot of one tree hill.

i am in love with my bicycle.

my job has become unbearable 4 out 5 days of every week.

i forgot my moms birthday (she hates me)

my brother moved to toronto.

im obsessed with making my own salad dressings and eating spinach salad.

my boyfriend is amazing.

my friends are equally as amazing (old and new).

i've developed a well liked alter ego named stevie.

a doggy lives in my house.

i got a canadas wonderland seasons pass.

im obsessed with barbeque sauce (a substance i've hated for as long as i can remember...)

i got adopted by an amazing south african man who works at the MaRS centre.

other than my job and my mom being pissed at me things are stellar.

these are super cute:

i know, right?

xo

sakuters

for the win.

http://thatsbone.blogspot.com/2009/04/product-feature-villains-co_28.html


xo.

glad to see my shirt still fits you

As much as i complain about how much my job ultimately blows, due solely to the fact that my boss is a crazy raging fucking nutcase of a woman.... sometimes i get to do cool shit.

Even if i'm not asked but told, and have to mingle with corporate douchebags in a room full of mid twenties industry snobs drinking mojitos and shitting foie gras.
bottom line, is that i have a real job. whether i hate it most days or not.

Went to an industry night tonight dressed like a slob. oops. i may or may not have woken up at 8 am forgetting that i had to attend this thing and remembering that i had to be at work in 20.

but, just incase all of you think i'm full of shit and or think i don't actually do anything but spend most of my days on facebook....
this is one of the venues we're part of in the distillery district.

it's called the fermenting cellar:

Anyway, it's gorgeous. super raw and full of character/potential... but its just such a joke that they would have this industry night now in the middle of everyones massive cut backs on spendature seeing as it's one of the most expensive venues in the city. and so big that your rentals would probably be 10 grand alone to make it look as impressive as it did tonight.

i dont really know why anyone would care about this other than me. Believe it or not i actually like getting my own clients, and having lunch dates or doing sales meetings. it makes me feel accomplished and established and like i'm contributing to more than just cutting back the bookkeepers work load. and i'm actually really good at it i just have no motivation to bring someone business who has no respect for me.

anyway, I'm going back to school soon! everyone be proud of me.
xo

distracted.

you don't get it.
none of you get that this isn't what i wanted to have happen from me sending someone a message saying i miss you.
for fucks sake.
all i wanted was for you to realize that your decisions effect other people. that you cant just do whatever you want all the time and not expect reprecussions.
thats all, so i could say i love you and we'd all be over it.
getting a new apartment or a new job or new clothes HAS ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the type of person you are.
it doesn't make you a better person, i'm sorry.
it doesn't make me a better person, it doesn't make anyone a better person. those are material things not morals or values.




and you, you are in no place to be calling me a bad or a negative person.
not in a million years.
don't ever talk about me, because you don't know me, and you don't know my life.













i'm really sick of being mad about this.
but i'm really mad that you made private affairs into something this public.

xo