so much heartbreak

in one little girl.

xo

yeah.

i guess at some point in my life i did something to deserve all of this.
bye.

xo

ignorance is bliss

im at a place right now where i dont really know how to move on from here because i dont know where i want to go first.
might sound cool, because it means i have options, but it's not...because as all of you know that means i have to make a decision and decision making is not my finest quality as a human.
it makes me jealous of all those that have no ideaaa whats going on in the world outside of their own pitiful lives. sure they may not get to experience anything or gain any sort of worldly knowledge, but they learn how to be infinitely comfortable in their own lives doing whatever it is that they do best.
i'm considering putting the money i was going to spend on going to NYC towards other things. going to NYC alone would be fun for all of 6 hours before i didn't know how to entertain myself anymore and i'd just get uncomfortable. plus staying in a hotel by myself is going to be outrageously expensive.
Maybe i'll just go to Jersey to see Evan and do a day trip. i dont know.
everyone is excited to go back to school in september and hearing them talk about it makes me really sad. not to the point of tears or anything i just wish i could have even a little bit of help going back to school so that i could start sooner rather than way, way later. sure i appreciate having to work for things in my life as opposed to having everything handed to me but i'm old enough now that i understand the value of responsibility and self provision, so a little help would just be really nice.

i feel like something is missing from my life. i've really only felt it in the past 2 weeks, and i don't really know what im supposed to fill the void with.
again, with the decisions.
xo

is that what you call a get away?

well tell me what you got away with...

For once i actually HOPE that you read this.

it might just be a power drill (that isn't yours by the way, incase you forgot...that you also didn't ask to "borrow")
But it is now also a perfect representation of why we are no longer, and will never be friends.
you have no respect for yourself.
you have no respect for other people.
and you are still the most selfish person i think i've ever had the unfortunate oppourtunity of knowing.

im also sure my dad will be stoked, you fucking idiot.
Have a great time in niagara falls. I hope you fail as successfully there as you did here.

xo

im not the queen of the world but im the queen of the streets...

i just want to live a cute life.
sans illnesses.
sans shitty people.
sans unnecessary stress.

im going to montreal this weekend with katie. hang out with some friends... shopping therapy. aux vivres! maybe a night of drinking and dancing... i hope. and most importantly, clear my head. figure out what i really want.
it'll make it that much easier to set a plan in motion to get my life in order.

P.S.

SEE YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
wouldn't want to fuckin' be ya.


xo

over and over.

its just one thing after another. it doesn't stop. and the more i keep trying to fool myself into thinking this is what i need to do, it's stupid. and it's killing me inside.
it's so fucking stupid.
THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID. WAKE UP.
i might have fucking celiac disease which... i dont even know. its not a huge deal but it effects my life massively and it's just the last thing i fucking need right now. fucking gluten.
i'm so sick of trying be there for everyone and always feeling so fucking alone all the time when i need someone.
i find it really funny that with all the stuff im currently trying to deal with i still find time for people who are important to me and who need me no matter how hard it is.
i dont do things based on what im going to get in return EVER, but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i'm not fine, so stop telling me i'll be fucking fine.

xo

it's weird

that im closer than i thought i would be...
but thats what's driving me to just give up.


xo

shove your hope where it don't shine

serious down night.

"once i was nothing but now i'm just meant for you...

i.
was meant.
for you."

sometimes this is so much harder than other times... tonight is the first time i've cried about it in a while and i think i've been doing pretty terrific otherwise.
i dont know if its just because sometimes i miss you more on certain days, or the fear that sits in the back of my mind that someone better is just around the corner for you, i just can't shake the downs.

i can't believe your cupcakes melted. :(
i just want all of this to be over so we can just go back to be being best friends and being the worlds best couple so i dont have to say sorry for all the feelings i have for you.


this is dumb.
love is a battlefield?
fuck you pat benatar.

xo

like this like this like this

"i dont care about your tits, you could be an a cup."

amen, brother.

so secure.

im still so bitter about missing 3oh3 due to food poisoning.

Walks + Talks + Melted Cupcakes + Mixed Cds. (why don't people still make these.... this is actually the best thing ever!)
even though i dont see you as much as i wish i could you're still the best thing in my life, i hope you know that.

i'd probably wait forever, i just hope for my sake (and other more specific parts of me) it doesn't take that long.

xo

for those following along at home.

today was one of the worst days ive had in weeks.
today also would have been 5 months.

i really wish i didnt have to end the night off with a reminder of why i consider myself to be substandard.

but i mean, other than me, who really cares?

xo

again?

really?
fuck.

this is getting really old...
I GET IT. i'm supposed to be bummed right now. too much self righteousness for the current cycle of my life. tone down the positivity.

i get it.
now stop FUCKING me. i'm a really good person. why dont you go give weird illnesses to some child molester.
atleast then it would be justified.


fuck!

P.S.

i have a lot of p.s. posts...

“I looked in all the places you aren’t. I just can’t find the places you are. I only know that you are where I am not.”
— A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

xo

driving with insects

i dont know.

it's thunderstorming outside for the second time today, and rain makes me pensive...
sundays are always worse for me now than when we were together. hahah i know that sounds stupid but eventhough we always said goodbye on sundays there was somethng comforting about having you here until i could barely keep my eyes open anymore.

theres nothing i could possibly want more right now than to have you here with me while i force you to watch trueblood.

not even a pony.

xo

hey, electrical outlet girl

getfucked!

no seriously, get fucked.


xo

http://ilovetaggingpostswithidiot.tumblr.com

i forgot to blog yesterday! so weird. seeing as i've been on a blogging rampage for the past two months.
but jen wanted me to get a tumblr. and wouldn't you know it, i already had one! that i started ages ago and then obviously hated. and didn't even post in it.

http://lastweeksfrontpageheadline.tumblr.com

i actually like the layout of it more than my blog. but it doesn't really serve the same purpose.

blahblahblah.

today i am going to try and finish the last of my room organizing... i need to find some boxes to fit under my bed and i dunno... some other stuff to make everything look a lot less bare. mostly i just need to get this storage situation under control.
i'm also super excited to go buy super fun groceries. i'm a nerd.

i'm going to this thing tonight for my step aunt who got married at city hall yesterday. then i'm probably going to go to wrongbar and meet up with robbie mcneil the party monster for some pink mafia party that will probably be a huge rip off and full of people that look like shemale nerds and AA models, same thing?

so stoked on having nicky back in my life so much lately... got the most rediculous e-mail from him last night being drunk on patron in L.A. and it was nothing less than awesome. hopefully when i take my holidays in september and go to new york for a few days we'll actually get to hang out.

aside from these fucking outrageous cramps i just had to suffer through all night... things are pretty alright. i haven't felt this self involved in along time...but for the first time it doesn't feel like a bad things.

russian roulette is not the same without a gun and baby when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun.

i still haven't figured out how to fix my blog yet.. i don't even know what i did to it and none of you will notice but it's made it increasingly more irritating to update.

ANYWAY,

xo

the weight of the world

is only as heavy as you make it.

i should stop looking at time as my enemy... because it's all i have.
and i don't mean that in a gloomy way. i mean that in an "i have all the time in the world" way.
especially for the likes of your sunburnt, hooligan ass.

xo

I really dont want to bring this up right now

but i'm going to anyway.
because it's one of those days.

I wish i knew how you felt. about anything.
i am obviously an open book when it comes to feelings, as anyone who knows me is probably painfully aware of.
but you... i have all the reasonings... and i think i'm starting to get the distance you want me to be at but i still don't know how you feel about anything.
it's actually like trying to see through a brick wall if we're talking a comparison on the level of difficulty.
Infact there's a lot of things that i'm not sure about that im too afraid to bring up because i don't want you to get mad at me.
but i'm at a point right now where i either go on with what i'm doing because ideally thats what i want to do, or i don't. and that decision would be a whole lot easier for me to make if i had the slightest idea on what was going through your head.
there's a big obvious difference between being patient and being foolish. and i guess i just really do not want to be made a fool of.

xo

born to lose

i'm a huge ball of snarky rage today.
i don't want to see anyone until i'm 15 pounds lighter and my hair covers my tits.
not because i'm even remotely uncomfortable in my own skin currently... more just because i have something to prove to myself.
and to a lot of other people.
I'm carrying on and you're missing out.
end of story.

xo

shinfo

when i get really mad about something on the inside... i get this weird circular red spot on my throat like someone pressed their thumb against my skin really hard for too long.

Kinda like life is trying to choke me out.

immortal combat.

I'm posting this again because i am so in love with it.

there was areason that i started to write this but i can't think what it was anymore...
I've started to realize that if you walk everywhere like you have a serious purpose you tend to grab people's attention. NOT that i am looking for attention...
without really realizing it i'm just starting to pick up on things that make me feel more confident, i guess thats the point i'm trying to make.
Having stuggled with confidence pretty much my entire life it's weird to start to realize that maybe you aren't less than average just because less than average people treat you as such.
DUH, i know. that probably took me a lot longer to catch on to than it should have but atleast i'm starting to get up to speed.
It's tiring feeling like i need people who don't need me. infact as much as i would like to say i've met people who i thought needed me like i did them... i don't really think ANYONE has.
The more i can come to terms with being by myself, the less i will need other people to make me happy. and the more i can feel confident about me, the more time i can spend in my own presence.

THUS eliminating the need for... a lot of people.

am i talking in circles? i don't really care.

i've spent enough time caring about what other people think of me. i've spent enough time caring about who or who doesn't want to be with me and for what reasons. i've spent enough time dissecting every ounce of who i am to try and fix something that was never really broken in the first place.

I'm fucking awesome.
and I'm fucking gorgeous.
i'm smart, and i'm funny, and i'm generous and caring.
and all of that is only going to multiply once i start seeing it in myself everyday as opposed to once or twice a week.

xo

i dont think you even realize yet

how silly this actually is.

but you will.
xo

sleepiest.

welcome to my new and improved humble abode.
those are the wall decals my mom got me for my birthday... they sent me the wrong size in one of the red centres but it doesnt look too bad anyway. i don't think...
hopefully i'll be able to sleep better in a bed that isn't covered in clothes and a room that doesn't stick to me.

i still have loads of laundry to do but for two hours i think i did ok.


xo

l.o.v.e

Wu-Tang Lego: Da Mystery of Chessboxin' from davo on Vimeo.

oopsoopsoops

it's a really good thing that i don't own a credit card these days.
Leopard body suit?! yes please.

xo

oh my gosh.

wow i wish you weren't five hundred and ninety dollars. because this would look fucking phenominal on me. and i would wear it at home... everyday.. for myself.


guh.
xo

life is easy?

550$ and a one way ticket to montreal.

"I dunno what it means either. it just means it's gonna be ok. I'll get a job no problem and party with a million skinheads until my brain explodes"

I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say maybe this is one of the many reasons why we never worked.
i do however, wish that i could find it in me to live like you sometimes.
throwing caution to the wind is definitely not my forte.

good luck

xo

insomnia

i fall asleep for like 3 hours at a time and then im awake for the rest of the night.
technically, because i am sleeping it cant be considered insomnia. i know... but all i want is just like one solid nights rest. please please please.

i decided this morning that im going to get my drivers liscense. other than the extra cost of taking my tests and driving school... i cant see anything but positive things comming from me learning how to drive (other than possibly an acute case of road rage...)

i'm trying to figure out all the things that are either going to A) make my life easier, B) make me feel better about myself, or C) help me bring me closer to where i want to be in life... and then take them on one or two at a time to see what i can actually accomplish.
i figure the more i have going for me the less i'll need other people to justify my self worth. or something.
this is all very easy for me to say.

we'll see if i actually make it through any of this.

xo

holdin' it down.
but your feet are nothing alike.

xo

covered in cat hair

sometimes i wonder, that if i were a lot more attractive if my life would be any easier.
honestly, i'm going to say probably.
but i also probably wouldn't be as cool a person.
it's weird what things go through my head when i have nothing else to think about.

i don't want to be worried about anything anymore.
i dont want to have to second guess everything i know about this because i can't help but feel less than exceptional these days.
wahhhh. :(
atleast i'm trying.

xo

when being ignored becomes the story of your life.

its time to get a new fucking life.

3 steps back.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

and incase you were wondering, i did just type all of those out.

xo

HAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

HOO-AH!

whats up august. where did my fucking summer go. and more importantly, where did my fucking summer plans go?
who really cares anyway. i'm just so amped on not having jello for legs anymore i could care less about anything.
thats not true. but i could care less about most things.
I'm kind of pissed i didn't force myself to take spin classes when i was at extreme because then maybe i wouldn't have wasted my membership. OH WELL.
so i guess this is what my life is going to be. haha going to work and to the gym and back to the gym when i'm bored. why not. after this morning and my planned work out for this afternoon i'm probably going to want to jump off a bridge tomorrow.

blah blah blah exercise.

its funny how people see that you aren't with someone anymore and they come out of the wood work like fucking wolves. you aren't sorry, and you don't actually wanna hear me talk about it if i need to, and to be quite honest if i wouldn't get with you when i was single prior to this, i'm about 100 times less likely to get with you now. so don't even bother.

so much techno in my brain right now. it's like everything i do during the day i have to match to some rediculous bass beat or it isn't worth doing.
you probably think im kidding.
but im not.

xo