DOM

is the reason i love french canadian people.
the only reason.

Me: "Oh. no. but we aren't really pals, he has a new gf and stuff"
Dom: "Ok. Like a burrito, but with no bacon."
Me: "what?! what the.."
Dom: "hey stop it. don't pay no mind to the lynx roux"
Me: "what's a lynx roux"
Dom: "your dream animal"
Dom: "it's like a girl fondue"

yep.
xo

so its official

i'm going to winnipeg on the 31st.
it's going to be freezing. but thank god i'll be getting out of here for a few days.


AND.. i got my side tattooed. Matt Ellis is a Genious.

Orig:






















Me:

















bruised.
itchy.
stoked.

xo

splitting heads

if someone could please end my life for missing chris colohan singing a left for dead song on Friday night..that would be fannnnntastic.

screaming gets you nothing

when i was growing up i had this majorly hideous bedroom furniture in my room.
it was white with tarnished gold hardware, and all the finish was chipped off and wearing away from it being moved around so much and passed down from generation to generation to my mom to me.
I suppose theres something to be said for tradition. A constant in life these days is always hard to come across. something in time that can be preserved and shown to others from another day should probably be something i cherish a little more.
unfortunately, that furniture represents a life choice.
a choice to settle down in a small town where you have nice neighbours with kids the same age and an elementary school up the street.
it also, just so happens, to represent everything i wanted to escape growing up. the small town. the close minded kids. the finish highschool, go to college, marry your sweetheart, move back to your hometown and start all over again mentality.
I'm watching all these people i went to highschool with get engaged and buy townhouses in grimsby, or turn into drunken fat business administration whores who spend their weekends living back at home and wonder why anyone would want to carry on such an awful tradition.

watching my grandad deteriorate over the past couple of weeks has been the hardest thing in the world. At first it wasn't so bad because i don't really think he understood what was going on with all the imbalances he was trying to level out.
But i think the fact that he's dying has finally hit him, and a man who i saw was so full of hope and fighting seems to have lost the will to carry on.
Monday was a rough day. He came out and stayed to visit for about 15 minutes before he decided he wanted to go back to bed. he looks all swollen from the fluids they were pumping into him to fix his electrolytes and he can't seem to focus his strength to lift or lower himself.
My grandparents were both really excited to go and see the movie i was in at the beginning of november. who knows if i'll actually be in it but everytime i saw them thats what they'd talk to me about.
when i was saying goodnight to my grandad on monday he smiled a little and said "i'll see you in the movies". I don't know what it was about the way he said it, but it crushed me. they way he looked and his tone of voice just screamed i've already given up, and i felt like he was already saying goodbye.

My grandad was the only person who encouraged me to get out of grimsby. Since day one he has backed every decision i have ever made, good and bad, and never told me that i needed to get my head out of the clouds.
He was one of the only reasons i ever had enough courage to break tradition (minus hating college and never having a highschool sweetheart....), and i think i'm losing him.
i wish i could get rid of the bedroom furniture instead.

xo

srsly.

how much would you ACTUALLY wanna bone if a girl had this on her pillowcase:

the matching one happens to be a not so adorable cartoon dog.
How cute.

xo

life lessons.

my current daily album playlist:

lifetime - lifetime
lifetime - jersey's best dancers
new found glory - tip of the iceberg
loved ones - keep your heart
loved ones- build and burn
bars - introducing
suicide file - some mistakes you never stop paying for
justin timberlake - future sex/love sounds

Last night i headed to siesta to hang with vik.
I've never seen any of the bands that played last night live before but trap them was unreal. Siesta Nouveaux was such a fucking wicked find for this city. and the stuff that goes on there is almost always 100% decent and actually makes me enjoy going to shows again.
Anyway, saw a lot of Jose, which was awesome because you can never get enough little brother in your life. shared my rosemary and olive oil triscuts with everyone (I'm actually a little surprised at the amount of people who didn't even know they existed...)
i love sharing.
and then yeah, saw a bunch of other people i really like seeing and that was that.
I'm a little bitter about the occurrences of the rest of the night... but i wont get into those because it's really not important.
It did however, somehow trigger a bunch of shit I've been mooring over the past few weeks and helped me come to a few decisions.
For the next little while i am going to be pretty much entirely encompassed in work. and my writing. I really want to make as much money as humanly possible and seeing as my boss wants me to start going to all these events I'm just going to suck it up and serve for all these corporate assholes and make a lot of money doing so.
I also want more than anything to have a solid piece of writing finished by new years. a piece being a short story, or a couple chapters of this book I've been trying to write for like.. 5 months, or a collection of other crap... anything. anything that i can use to submit as a sample so i can do freelance work, or something i can use as a strong base for something bigger.

then in my spare time, at least whatever is left of it, I'm going to get tattooed.
and buy records.
probably get poutine from utopia with Jen.
and VACATE Toronto as much as i can manage.

my schedule for the next week is as follows:

Friday - Hamilton hangs (YAY), possibly the ERGS! show or Circa
Saturday - boots shopping with wifelife, home for mom times
Sunday - vegetarian buffet thanksgiving at moms (my mom being veg. is so sick)
Monday - visiting grandad at his house (hopefully... I'm pretty sick of mcmaster) and seeing some of the relatives from England.
Tuesday - work 9-5, work at CTV for the elections party/show 5-1am
Wednesday - work 9-5, possible jose hangs
Thursday - work 9-5, possible jose hangs
Friday - work 9-5, eating glass at siesta
Saturday - tattoo appointment 6pm - 8ish, possible trek to Burlington for eating glass at Spencer's
Sunday - record shopping

anyway, i have a lot of shit to do, including a huge wedding proposal...
seems like I've been saying this a lot lately, but it's time for a new start.

so lets leave the past behind us, and focus on whats next...

you know what i mean?
xo

Because every hairdresser ever

insists on cutting all of my hair off.

Thaaaaaaaats greaaaaaaaaaat.

i've been growing that since november.
i should have added staying away from sharp objects to my list of things to avoid to try and prevent a third bad occurence.

OH well. see you in six months nice hair.

xo

ALSO

if you haven't seen this yet....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bi40powiPrc

double time.

or something...

I really need to start getting some of my work up here.
written work.
and.. actually... i really need to start writing again. i haven't done anything in a week and a half.
And this crap.. doesn't count.

when life gives you lemons

.....i really wish life would stop giving me fucking lemons. haha

my grandad went into ICU yesterday.
i was in guelph hanging out with three of the coolest little boys on the planet when my mom called. i guess it isn't good. i guess he's having all these weird complicatons they weren't expecting and he's just getting weaker and weaker and more out of it.
I couldn't bring myself to go down there yesterday. seeing him like that is so depressing and i don't want my last memories of my grandad to be of him in the hospital raging and in pain and not really knowing who i am.
no thanks.

anyway, the shit with ***** and this is only two of a common "bad things come in three's" fate, so i'm waiting for something else really awful to happen to kind of cap off this great time i've been having. perhaps i'll lose my job.
or if i'm really lucky i'll get hit by a truck or something.
who knows.
so if i've been texting any of you incessantly and hating life i'm sorry. i'm really just trying to take my mind off things.

can't wait for thursday. hung out with Vik last night and spent a rediculous amount on groceries. also aquired thrashin', fight club, the notorious bettie page, and marie antoinette on the weekend for a grand total of 29$. that ruled. and hopefully this week i'm going to get my stomach tattooed. hopefully.

anyway, i have interviews to do... if anyone wants to hang out this week let me know, i'm going to try and keep myself as busy as possible while trying to avoid high traffic streets and parking lots.
har har.


xo

yeah!

delete forever.

so good!

i guess "this is the last time you're going to hear from me" doesn't mean the same thing to you as it does to moi.

oh well.

= me. in a nutshell.

11:36 pm

boy does it seem later than that.
what a fucking day

note: gross things to follow. be forewarned.

So, i finally got a hold of my mom today. (after being tranferred to about 8 different people all over McMaster before they put me through to where ever it was they were keeping my grandad). Apparently i am not old enough yet to be told when someone in my family is going to die. NOT that my grandad died. but there is a very high chance he is going to in the next 4 to 6 months. and that isn't me being negative it's just the facts of pancreatic cancer.
Which, has also spread to his liver.
Bummer.... is a definite understatement.
He's super gung-ho about having the operation for his liver and then undergoing chemo, but even then statistically his chances aren't great.

he was hallucinating today because he's been having such bad stomach pains that he wasn't eating or drinking enough and got really dehydrated. something about being on the deck and there being all this hamburger meat (in between the wall and his bed) left out of the fridge and the BBQ was in that bag over there.... he also thought my moms purse was a giant rat. and then hours later a road map. ohhhh grandad.

anyway, i'm going back to the hospital tomorrow with moms because she isn't doing too well. Hadn't slept since monday etc, but i don't think i've ever seen her so happy to see me.
So for once i'm going to have to step it up and be the parent. But i'd do anything for my mom. obviously.

other than that, i'm not going to bad mouth anyone who might be friends with anyone who might read my blog because i don't actually wish him any real harm... i just would like to re-iterate some points that some of you may not know about me...
I hate being lied to. i don't care... what the reason is. and i don't care if it's going to hurt my feelings... i don't want to be lied to. it's a really fucking simple request.
i ALSO hate womanizers. not that this person was a womanizer. but i hate them anyway. AND I CAN SMELL YOU DISEASE INFESTED ASSHOLES FROM A MILE AWAY. so go away. please.

It's how I live - never forget, never forgive

i've never really been one for second chances.
xo

sometimes things happen pt. II

and you realize way more than one should ever have to come to terms with in one day.

i am just one big ball of madsadconfused.

9:32am

My grandad is in emergency and no one even bothered to call me.

fuck everyone.