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Toronto, Ontario, Canada
"Internet porn makes everything more reasonable -- once you've realized there is a massive subculture of upwardly mobile people who think it's erotic to see an Asian woman giving a hand job to a javelina, nothing else in the world seems crazy."

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

screaming gets you nothing

when i was growing up i had this majorly hideous bedroom furniture in my room.
it was white with tarnished gold hardware, and all the finish was chipped off and wearing away from it being moved around so much and passed down from generation to generation to my mom to me.
I suppose theres something to be said for tradition. A constant in life these days is always hard to come across. something in time that can be preserved and shown to others from another day should probably be something i cherish a little more.
unfortunately, that furniture represents a life choice.
a choice to settle down in a small town where you have nice neighbours with kids the same age and an elementary school up the street.
it also, just so happens, to represent everything i wanted to escape growing up. the small town. the close minded kids. the finish highschool, go to college, marry your sweetheart, move back to your hometown and start all over again mentality.
I'm watching all these people i went to highschool with get engaged and buy townhouses in grimsby, or turn into drunken fat business administration whores who spend their weekends living back at home and wonder why anyone would want to carry on such an awful tradition.

watching my grandad deteriorate over the past couple of weeks has been the hardest thing in the world. At first it wasn't so bad because i don't really think he understood what was going on with all the imbalances he was trying to level out.
But i think the fact that he's dying has finally hit him, and a man who i saw was so full of hope and fighting seems to have lost the will to carry on.
Monday was a rough day. He came out and stayed to visit for about 15 minutes before he decided he wanted to go back to bed. he looks all swollen from the fluids they were pumping into him to fix his electrolytes and he can't seem to focus his strength to lift or lower himself.
My grandparents were both really excited to go and see the movie i was in at the beginning of november. who knows if i'll actually be in it but everytime i saw them thats what they'd talk to me about.
when i was saying goodnight to my grandad on monday he smiled a little and said "i'll see you in the movies". I don't know what it was about the way he said it, but it crushed me. they way he looked and his tone of voice just screamed i've already given up, and i felt like he was already saying goodbye.

My grandad was the only person who encouraged me to get out of grimsby. Since day one he has backed every decision i have ever made, good and bad, and never told me that i needed to get my head out of the clouds.
He was one of the only reasons i ever had enough courage to break tradition (minus hating college and never having a highschool sweetheart....), and i think i'm losing him.
i wish i could get rid of the bedroom furniture instead.


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