i made a new blog. and no one can read it.
not that im going to stop writing in this one... it's just to help me stay in the miracle mindset ive thrown myself into without feeling self concious about my own thoughts or feelings.
you dont even need to know this.
i just love to write.
xo
- julia claire
- Toronto, Ontario, Canada
- "Internet porn makes everything more reasonable -- once you've realized there is a massive subculture of upwardly mobile people who think it's erotic to see an Asian woman giving a hand job to a javelina, nothing else in the world seems crazy."
Friday, July 31, 2009
fuck fuck fuck.
okay. so pma all the way blah blah blah thats COOL and all with what i currently have to deal with.
but i'm telling you right now life, if you have anything else SHITTY to unload on me... now would be the time to do it. i dont want it spaced out over the time im trying to get my shit together, because it's just going to fuck up all my plans. and more importantly it'll fuck me up. i can only take so much and then you do not want to see what happens. and i do not want to go back there.
capiche?
i can't believe i agreed to a 9:30am spin class.
i can't believe a lot of things right now.
xo
but i'm telling you right now life, if you have anything else SHITTY to unload on me... now would be the time to do it. i dont want it spaced out over the time im trying to get my shit together, because it's just going to fuck up all my plans. and more importantly it'll fuck me up. i can only take so much and then you do not want to see what happens. and i do not want to go back there.
capiche?
i can't believe i agreed to a 9:30am spin class.
i can't believe a lot of things right now.
xo
this is vulgar.
it's been two weeks already and i'm getting a little perturbed that i'm not going to have sex for a seemingly undetermined amount of time.
this is actually the least of my worries.
but i'm just sayin'.
xo
this is actually the least of my worries.
but i'm just sayin'.
xo
Thursday, July 30, 2009
if only duct tape could fix everything
It seems that we're springing a leak, but I can't, I won't let us drown.
No I can't, I won't let you down.
i apologize in advance for this entire post.
after saying everything i could possibly say and going through the entire spectrum of emotions in a span of about an hour i told myself i had to be ok with this.
so i guess i better find a way to be ok with it, or we're just going to end up in the one place we're trying to avoid being.
this isn't really anyones business but i feel like if i don't write about it im not going to be able to feel better about anything.
There are people who pass in and out of my life everyday who i could care less about. infact i'd say about 90% of the people i meet are utterly usless and not even remotely impressionable in the bigger picture of my existence.
there have been a few when it comes to actual relationships that i thought i felt what i would have considered at the time to be "love" for... but being with you kind of changed my whole perspective on everything.
it's one thing to say the words but it's another thing to feel them with every ounce of your being. the whole "when you love something, let it go" theory seems like such bullshit to me only because when i thought i loved people and they didn't come back to me it seems to have left me a bit jaded on the whole idea.
but with you it's the only thing left thats giving me any hope for there to ever be an "us" again. which is an increasingly difficult thing for me to try and cope with when it still seems like i'm the only one who has to go on without you.
and how is this time different from any others? the difference is even after all the times i've been burned by this type of "i have to figure my shit out" scenario, i actually still believe you. as much as i tried to throw it back in your face yesterday, i believe that you meant everything that you ever said to me. and i believe it really is just bad timing.
i believe that everything happens for a reason... and if we can get through all this as friends... than it's only going to make us that much stronger on the other side.
And thats what i have to keep reminding myself. the hardest part of this entire thing isn't about not being able to call you my boyfriend anymore... its having to just sit back and watch you go through so much. it's not being able to see you. and it's especially not being able to tell you that i love you.
Because i do. so much. edit: and i have suddenly become aware of how deathly afraid i am of you falling out of love with me through all this.
i'm overwhelmed with so many feelings right now but the one thats hurting me the most is knowing how much i'm going to miss just being with you. you taught me how to love myself again. you taught me more about myself than anyone i think i've ever met... which is why this is so worth it to me to be whatever you need me to be right now. as i told you before and i'll probably tell you again, you're it for me. so i just hope you can remember what we have when you come out the other side of all this.
xo
No I can't, I won't let you down.
i apologize in advance for this entire post.
after saying everything i could possibly say and going through the entire spectrum of emotions in a span of about an hour i told myself i had to be ok with this.
so i guess i better find a way to be ok with it, or we're just going to end up in the one place we're trying to avoid being.
this isn't really anyones business but i feel like if i don't write about it im not going to be able to feel better about anything.
There are people who pass in and out of my life everyday who i could care less about. infact i'd say about 90% of the people i meet are utterly usless and not even remotely impressionable in the bigger picture of my existence.
there have been a few when it comes to actual relationships that i thought i felt what i would have considered at the time to be "love" for... but being with you kind of changed my whole perspective on everything.
it's one thing to say the words but it's another thing to feel them with every ounce of your being. the whole "when you love something, let it go" theory seems like such bullshit to me only because when i thought i loved people and they didn't come back to me it seems to have left me a bit jaded on the whole idea.
but with you it's the only thing left thats giving me any hope for there to ever be an "us" again. which is an increasingly difficult thing for me to try and cope with when it still seems like i'm the only one who has to go on without you.
and how is this time different from any others? the difference is even after all the times i've been burned by this type of "i have to figure my shit out" scenario, i actually still believe you. as much as i tried to throw it back in your face yesterday, i believe that you meant everything that you ever said to me. and i believe it really is just bad timing.
i believe that everything happens for a reason... and if we can get through all this as friends... than it's only going to make us that much stronger on the other side.
And thats what i have to keep reminding myself. the hardest part of this entire thing isn't about not being able to call you my boyfriend anymore... its having to just sit back and watch you go through so much. it's not being able to see you. and it's especially not being able to tell you that i love you.
Because i do. so much. edit: and i have suddenly become aware of how deathly afraid i am of you falling out of love with me through all this.
i'm overwhelmed with so many feelings right now but the one thats hurting me the most is knowing how much i'm going to miss just being with you. you taught me how to love myself again. you taught me more about myself than anyone i think i've ever met... which is why this is so worth it to me to be whatever you need me to be right now. as i told you before and i'll probably tell you again, you're it for me. so i just hope you can remember what we have when you come out the other side of all this.
xo
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
you are my target audience
there's so many things i want to say right now but i can't formulate proper sentences because im so exhausted.
i'm not going to constantly baby you about all this garbage. you're moving and i've already told you how much of a bad idea i think that is. No one deserves to have loved ones pass, but it happens and people can figure out normal ways to deal with this stuff without becomming a shit show. (not everyone... but most normal functioning human beings..)
I'm trying really hard to be there for you but A) i can only do so much when you dont want to make yourself feel better and B) maybe i have a ton of my own stuff going on that i need to figure out.
Thats always been the way with me and you though, and i don't really know why i put myself through it.
maybe i'm just hyper sensitive today but i feel like theres a little rain cloud hanging out over top my head down pouring on anything that's good in my life... which isn't much.
there is so much stuff reeling through my mind but most of it can be traced back to my original question of "why".
i've been thinking about writing all of it down incase i forget anything important. but it really all just means the same thing.
xo
i'm not going to constantly baby you about all this garbage. you're moving and i've already told you how much of a bad idea i think that is. No one deserves to have loved ones pass, but it happens and people can figure out normal ways to deal with this stuff without becomming a shit show. (not everyone... but most normal functioning human beings..)
I'm trying really hard to be there for you but A) i can only do so much when you dont want to make yourself feel better and B) maybe i have a ton of my own stuff going on that i need to figure out.
Thats always been the way with me and you though, and i don't really know why i put myself through it.
maybe i'm just hyper sensitive today but i feel like theres a little rain cloud hanging out over top my head down pouring on anything that's good in my life... which isn't much.
there is so much stuff reeling through my mind but most of it can be traced back to my original question of "why".
i've been thinking about writing all of it down incase i forget anything important. but it really all just means the same thing.
xo
Monday, July 27, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
dont even read this.
no seriously.
i love rob mcneil. and i love jen gillen. and i am so glad that i went out tonight and tried to have a good time. (because i did have a good time)
it was just hard being somewhere like that without you.
i missed the way i can dance like an idiot infront of you and you'll still look at me like i'm the only girl in the entire world.
for some reason it was just weird without you. i kept looking up thinking you'd be there and you weren't.
and this is the first time all weekend i've actually forced myself to think about us not being together. so this is also the first time all weekend i've actually cried.
it's weird to think that you don't miss me at all.
it's even weirder to think that maybe you do and you don't want to tell me.
my heart aches.
all i want is for the past week to go away so we can go back to my mom making you treats and us being best friends and super in love and watching planet earth on sundays.
my heart seriously, fucking aches.
xo
i love rob mcneil. and i love jen gillen. and i am so glad that i went out tonight and tried to have a good time. (because i did have a good time)
it was just hard being somewhere like that without you.
i missed the way i can dance like an idiot infront of you and you'll still look at me like i'm the only girl in the entire world.
for some reason it was just weird without you. i kept looking up thinking you'd be there and you weren't.
and this is the first time all weekend i've actually forced myself to think about us not being together. so this is also the first time all weekend i've actually cried.
it's weird to think that you don't miss me at all.
it's even weirder to think that maybe you do and you don't want to tell me.
my heart aches.
all i want is for the past week to go away so we can go back to my mom making you treats and us being best friends and super in love and watching planet earth on sundays.
my heart seriously, fucking aches.
xo
Friday, July 24, 2009
my life is a warzone
my life is a mess.
i just wrote the longest, angriest post i think of my entire existence.
which is saying a lot comming from me....
but knowing that i would probably regret it immediately.... i'll just say this:
i wish you meant it when you said "if you want to do this, i'll give it everything i've got with you."
and i'm sure i will have a ton of fun being totally heartbroken doing nothing this weekend.
thank you.
xo
i just wrote the longest, angriest post i think of my entire existence.
which is saying a lot comming from me....
but knowing that i would probably regret it immediately.... i'll just say this:
i wish you meant it when you said "if you want to do this, i'll give it everything i've got with you."
and i'm sure i will have a ton of fun being totally heartbroken doing nothing this weekend.
thank you.
xo
Thursday, July 23, 2009
start picking up the pieces
if there was ever a justifiable reason to drink in your room alone at 11 o clock... i would say this is as good as any.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
black, like my heart
apparently.
i'm a little bit less than impressed that cropped tshirts are comming back.
this however... 
...is nothing less than amazing.
xo
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
a long time ago we used to be friends
I'm really tired today.
i don't know if it's my actions or my current state of mind that has left me feeling so alienated lately but whatever it is i wish it would go away.
the only company I've been keeping outside of Adam is that of my bicycle. yesterday we (my bike and i) went all the way to college park in less than 15 minutes. it allows me to get out and just think about stuff i guess...plus I'm really tired of looking at myself lately and not seeing the girl who weighed like 137 pounds a year and a half ago. I'm determined to be fit again by the end of august which means i should probably start riding to work everyday as opposed to just a couple times a week ( if that ).
I also wish that i had better social skills. Nate and i were talking about how he could have a conversation with anyone (the girl in Starbucks tried to tell him the company started in Italy while justifying the names for the different sizes... in which he and her manager basically just told her how wrong she was ) Nate just has that ability to instantly befriend, or at least be sociable with anyone... and i do not. which is probably why i have such a hard time meeting new people.
At the very least, i like my job right now. and i like that i like the people i have to spend a minimum of 8 hours a day with. that really only leaves me with 3-4 hours to fill on my own to get to the weekends i spend with bf.
still can't wait for elvis fest.
i'm going to get drunk as shit.
xo
i don't know if it's my actions or my current state of mind that has left me feeling so alienated lately but whatever it is i wish it would go away.
the only company I've been keeping outside of Adam is that of my bicycle. yesterday we (my bike and i) went all the way to college park in less than 15 minutes. it allows me to get out and just think about stuff i guess...plus I'm really tired of looking at myself lately and not seeing the girl who weighed like 137 pounds a year and a half ago. I'm determined to be fit again by the end of august which means i should probably start riding to work everyday as opposed to just a couple times a week ( if that ).
I also wish that i had better social skills. Nate and i were talking about how he could have a conversation with anyone (the girl in Starbucks tried to tell him the company started in Italy while justifying the names for the different sizes... in which he and her manager basically just told her how wrong she was ) Nate just has that ability to instantly befriend, or at least be sociable with anyone... and i do not. which is probably why i have such a hard time meeting new people.
At the very least, i like my job right now. and i like that i like the people i have to spend a minimum of 8 hours a day with. that really only leaves me with 3-4 hours to fill on my own to get to the weekends i spend with bf.
still can't wait for elvis fest.
i'm going to get drunk as shit.
xo
Monday, July 20, 2009
The Beautiful People
so im going through a weird marilyn manson thing right now. nbd.
this weekend ruled.
spending an actual friday night with adam was so nice. if it wasn't for him my "social life" as i know it would be even more non-existent.
Seeing fys on saturday was pretty much the best thing i didn't wuss out on. it's nice being so excited to see people and have them be equally as excited to see you too.
It's nice having insight on situations you were unsure about too. nice in a really relieving sort of way.
I'm bummed i didn't get to see rob on saturday. but i did spend all night yesterday with Nate and that ruled because i think i miss him more than most people who come in and out of my life. I hope he moves back because i would like to be able to hang out with him on a regular basis again... we used to do such fun stuff together.
My mission for now is to get through this week and buy sunglasses on friday. I want a pair of frogskin oakley's and funnily enough i saw a pair in a window on queen last night so i guess i'll go and see how much they are and if they have any other than those ugly pink ones....(so ugly.)
and then it will be off to Elvis Fest! which is weird! but it's going to be so funny and i'm dying to see Tom in costume. it's the only thing i've heard him get overly excited about while describing... ever. so it has to be good.
i would like to go to montreal before the usmmer is over and see Seb, and JF, and Dom.
i would also like to go back to new york city if i can but i don't know when i'll have time. i have to discuss my 2nd week of vacation with my boss soon (which i will NOT be spending at home alone this time thank goodness) which is like.. a little over a month and a half from now so i guess i better start saving some money... hahaha
anyway... i doubt anyone really cares about this update... as is the case with many of my updates, but thats ok.
xo
this weekend ruled.
spending an actual friday night with adam was so nice. if it wasn't for him my "social life" as i know it would be even more non-existent.
Seeing fys on saturday was pretty much the best thing i didn't wuss out on. it's nice being so excited to see people and have them be equally as excited to see you too.
It's nice having insight on situations you were unsure about too. nice in a really relieving sort of way.
I'm bummed i didn't get to see rob on saturday. but i did spend all night yesterday with Nate and that ruled because i think i miss him more than most people who come in and out of my life. I hope he moves back because i would like to be able to hang out with him on a regular basis again... we used to do such fun stuff together.
My mission for now is to get through this week and buy sunglasses on friday. I want a pair of frogskin oakley's and funnily enough i saw a pair in a window on queen last night so i guess i'll go and see how much they are and if they have any other than those ugly pink ones....(so ugly.)
and then it will be off to Elvis Fest! which is weird! but it's going to be so funny and i'm dying to see Tom in costume. it's the only thing i've heard him get overly excited about while describing... ever. so it has to be good.
i would like to go to montreal before the usmmer is over and see Seb, and JF, and Dom.
i would also like to go back to new york city if i can but i don't know when i'll have time. i have to discuss my 2nd week of vacation with my boss soon (which i will NOT be spending at home alone this time thank goodness) which is like.. a little over a month and a half from now so i guess i better start saving some money... hahaha
anyway... i doubt anyone really cares about this update... as is the case with many of my updates, but thats ok.
xo
Friday, July 17, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
reason number 6 billion
as to why my mom is awesome....
Julia Vandermolen 6am is stupid.
7 hours ago · Comment · LikeUnlike · View Feedback (7)Hide Feedback (7)
Janet Davis at 12:18pm July 15
it is if you're getting up - not so much if you're just getting to bed!!
Yep. that's real talk right there....
xo
Julia Vandermolen 6am is stupid.
7 hours ago · Comment · LikeUnlike · View Feedback (7)Hide Feedback (7)
Janet Davis at 12:18pm July 15
it is if you're getting up - not so much if you're just getting to bed!!
Yep. that's real talk right there....
xo
Monday, July 13, 2009
remember when
all i wanted to do tonight was ride my bike so i went out and bought a fanny pack so i could logically also bike to work without my purse etc....
and now i can't find my bike key and my bike will be forever locked to the railing outside my house.
fuck.
and now i can't find my bike key and my bike will be forever locked to the railing outside my house.
fuck.
boo-hoo.
i promised myself i wouldn't do this anymore but im not even sad i'm more just annoyed.
and when im annoyed i rant.
i don't know where any of my friends have gone. it's technically the middle of the summer and thus far i have:
been drunk a few times thanks to adam.
gone to NYC thanks to adam
and been to a patio ONCE. with katie. pre-my birthday. i dont even know if that can be considered summer. and i know all the fucking loner hearts out there reading this are just going to say "why don't you just do things by yourself" but lets be real here... are things ever as fun on your own? is going to a patio in the summer on your own fun? not really. is getting drunk and wandering home from whatever bar you were at on your own fun? definitely not.
is it fun being ignored? no.
is it fun being given excuses? no.
is it fun being stood up? no.
as i said i'm not sad about any of this. i don't mind spending time on my own i just wish if people didn't want to fucking hang out with me they'd just say i don't want to hang out with you. i don't even need a reason really... i'd just rather have the honesty than to be made to feel like i'm just second rank all the time to...whatever it is everyone likes to do more than hang out with me.
probably going to patios to get drunk so they can wander home....
just sayin'.
xo
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Toronto, California, Pennsylvania, and the Dirty Jerz.
top four most tattooed guys on my facebook page?
Pat, Nick, Tom, and Rob...
and you're friends with three of them.
why am i not suprised.
why are you the biggest cougar ever.
who cares? i care... stop coug'n on my pals.
yuck.
xo
Pat, Nick, Tom, and Rob...
and you're friends with three of them.
why am i not suprised.
why are you the biggest cougar ever.
who cares? i care... stop coug'n on my pals.
yuck.
xo
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
just when i thought it couldn't get any better....
There's a bunch of lizards and a turtle and some scorpians and snakes and stuff too but...they aren't cute.
needless to say, i want them all.
xo
if you wanna be my lover
cutest, spikey porcupine ring ever.
wow. i might even buy this for myself and be my own lover.
hahaha
hahaha
xo
day 3 (technically 5)
of me not having a cell phone.
i mean i have a cell phone... but of me not having a cell phone that hasn't been shut off.
i think this is the first time in a long time that i've been so broke. i have 26$ in my bank account.
ouchies.
i blame new york.
and my new found love for going out to get lunch everyday.
and for all who didn't know, i got a raise at work. starting.. not this friday but two fridays from now. i'm not really sure how much it totals out to yet per pay cheque... but either way im excited.
it means in some little way i can save for school and start paying off little bits of my compiled debt.
something is better than nothing.
and you? you're better than everything. <3
xo
i mean i have a cell phone... but of me not having a cell phone that hasn't been shut off.
i think this is the first time in a long time that i've been so broke. i have 26$ in my bank account.
ouchies.
i blame new york.
and my new found love for going out to get lunch everyday.
and for all who didn't know, i got a raise at work. starting.. not this friday but two fridays from now. i'm not really sure how much it totals out to yet per pay cheque... but either way im excited.
it means in some little way i can save for school and start paying off little bits of my compiled debt.
something is better than nothing.
and you? you're better than everything. <3
xo
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
P.S.
New MTTM logo...
DNL. (donotlike.)
for the "M.O.B" of N.Y.C.... i would have expected a little more.
just sayin'.
xo
just sayin'.
xo
these:
are the best heels ever.
as if i didn't already hate my clumsiness and fat ankles.... i think after seeing these and knowing i would never be able to wear them... i hate my clumsiness and fat ankles tenfold.
fml.
xo
Thursday, July 2, 2009
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