ignorance is bliss

im at a place right now where i dont really know how to move on from here because i dont know where i want to go first.
might sound cool, because it means i have options, but it's not...because as all of you know that means i have to make a decision and decision making is not my finest quality as a human.
it makes me jealous of all those that have no ideaaa whats going on in the world outside of their own pitiful lives. sure they may not get to experience anything or gain any sort of worldly knowledge, but they learn how to be infinitely comfortable in their own lives doing whatever it is that they do best.
i'm considering putting the money i was going to spend on going to NYC towards other things. going to NYC alone would be fun for all of 6 hours before i didn't know how to entertain myself anymore and i'd just get uncomfortable. plus staying in a hotel by myself is going to be outrageously expensive.
Maybe i'll just go to Jersey to see Evan and do a day trip. i dont know.
everyone is excited to go back to school in september and hearing them talk about it makes me really sad. not to the point of tears or anything i just wish i could have even a little bit of help going back to school so that i could start sooner rather than way, way later. sure i appreciate having to work for things in my life as opposed to having everything handed to me but i'm old enough now that i understand the value of responsibility and self provision, so a little help would just be really nice.

i feel like something is missing from my life. i've really only felt it in the past 2 weeks, and i don't really know what im supposed to fill the void with.
again, with the decisions.
xo

born to lose

i'm a huge ball of snarky rage today.
i don't want to see anyone until i'm 15 pounds lighter and my hair covers my tits.
not because i'm even remotely uncomfortable in my own skin currently... more just because i have something to prove to myself.
and to a lot of other people.
I'm carrying on and you're missing out.
end of story.

xo

life is easy?

550$ and a one way ticket to montreal.

"I dunno what it means either. it just means it's gonna be ok. I'll get a job no problem and party with a million skinheads until my brain explodes"

I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say maybe this is one of the many reasons why we never worked.
i do however, wish that i could find it in me to live like you sometimes.
throwing caution to the wind is definitely not my forte.

good luck

xo

insomnia

i fall asleep for like 3 hours at a time and then im awake for the rest of the night.
technically, because i am sleeping it cant be considered insomnia. i know... but all i want is just like one solid nights rest. please please please.

i decided this morning that im going to get my drivers liscense. other than the extra cost of taking my tests and driving school... i cant see anything but positive things comming from me learning how to drive (other than possibly an acute case of road rage...)

i'm trying to figure out all the things that are either going to A) make my life easier, B) make me feel better about myself, or C) help me bring me closer to where i want to be in life... and then take them on one or two at a time to see what i can actually accomplish.
i figure the more i have going for me the less i'll need other people to justify my self worth. or something.
this is all very easy for me to say.

we'll see if i actually make it through any of this.

xo

3 steps back.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

and incase you were wondering, i did just type all of those out.

xo

fuck fuck fuck.

okay. so pma all the way blah blah blah thats COOL and all with what i currently have to deal with.
but i'm telling you right now life, if you have anything else SHITTY to unload on me... now would be the time to do it. i dont want it spaced out over the time im trying to get my shit together, because it's just going to fuck up all my plans. and more importantly it'll fuck me up. i can only take so much and then you do not want to see what happens. and i do not want to go back there.

capiche?

i can't believe i agreed to a 9:30am spin class.
i can't believe a lot of things right now.

xo

if only duct tape could fix everything

It seems that we're springing a leak, but I can't, I won't let us drown.
No I can't, I won't let you down.

i apologize in advance for this entire post.

after saying everything i could possibly say and going through the entire spectrum of emotions in a span of about an hour i told myself i had to be ok with this.
so i guess i better find a way to be ok with it, or we're just going to end up in the one place we're trying to avoid being.
this isn't really anyones business but i feel like if i don't write about it im not going to be able to feel better about anything.

There are people who pass in and out of my life everyday who i could care less about. infact i'd say about 90% of the people i meet are utterly usless and not even remotely impressionable in the bigger picture of my existence.
there have been a few when it comes to actual relationships that i thought i felt what i would have considered at the time to be "love" for... but being with you kind of changed my whole perspective on everything.
it's one thing to say the words but it's another thing to feel them with every ounce of your being. the whole "when you love something, let it go" theory seems like such bullshit to me only because when i thought i loved people and they didn't come back to me it seems to have left me a bit jaded on the whole idea.
but with you it's the only thing left thats giving me any hope for there to ever be an "us" again. which is an increasingly difficult thing for me to try and cope with when it still seems like i'm the only one who has to go on without you.
and how is this time different from any others? the difference is even after all the times i've been burned by this type of "i have to figure my shit out" scenario, i actually still believe you. as much as i tried to throw it back in your face yesterday, i believe that you meant everything that you ever said to me. and i believe it really is just bad timing.
i believe that everything happens for a reason... and if we can get through all this as friends... than it's only going to make us that much stronger on the other side.
And thats what i have to keep reminding myself. the hardest part of this entire thing isn't about not being able to call you my boyfriend anymore... its having to just sit back and watch you go through so much. it's not being able to see you. and it's especially not being able to tell you that i love you.
Because i do. so much. edit: and i have suddenly become aware of how deathly afraid i am of you falling out of love with me through all this.

i'm overwhelmed with so many feelings right now but the one thats hurting me the most is knowing how much i'm going to miss just being with you. you taught me how to love myself again. you taught me more about myself than anyone i think i've ever met... which is why this is so worth it to me to be whatever you need me to be right now. as i told you before and i'll probably tell you again, you're it for me. so i just hope you can remember what we have when you come out the other side of all this.

xo

is it just me?

or is it just me.

you are my target audience

there's so many things i want to say right now but i can't formulate proper sentences because im so exhausted.

i'm not going to constantly baby you about all this garbage. you're moving and i've already told you how much of a bad idea i think that is. No one deserves to have loved ones pass, but it happens and people can figure out normal ways to deal with this stuff without becomming a shit show. (not everyone... but most normal functioning human beings..)
I'm trying really hard to be there for you but A) i can only do so much when you dont want to make yourself feel better and B) maybe i have a ton of my own stuff going on that i need to figure out.
Thats always been the way with me and you though, and i don't really know why i put myself through it.

maybe i'm just hyper sensitive today but i feel like theres a little rain cloud hanging out over top my head down pouring on anything that's good in my life... which isn't much.
there is so much stuff reeling through my mind but most of it can be traced back to my original question of "why".
i've been thinking about writing all of it down incase i forget anything important. but it really all just means the same thing.


xo

my life is a warzone

my life is a mess.

i just wrote the longest, angriest post i think of my entire existence.
which is saying a lot comming from me....
but knowing that i would probably regret it immediately.... i'll just say this:

i wish you meant it when you said "if you want to do this, i'll give it everything i've got with you."

and i'm sure i will have a ton of fun being totally heartbroken doing nothing this weekend.
thank you.

xo

start picking up the pieces

if there was ever a justifiable reason to drink in your room alone at 11 o clock... i would say this is as good as any.

look around your world pretty baby

is it everything you hoped it'd be?

xo

i dont know what you're talking about.

and at this point in my day, i really don't care either.

working 8 hours and then being stuck in a room with unrealistic looking human beings to make me feel infinitely worse about myself for an extra 5 is not my idea of a good time.

one of them asked me about my black flag tattoo....

"tell me about your tattoo!"
"it's a black flag tattoo....they're a punk band from the early 80's"
"oh cooooooooooooooooooool...were you in the band?"
".......................no."


yeah ok, so i've been a little cranky lately.
i know.
i'm sorry.

for the record... i just have a lot on my mind. i have a lot on my plate at work. i'm getting weird illnesses that really only occur in children under 10. and i'm having trouble times 100 seeing myself that way i did a year ago.

i'm just frustrated. at life. in general.







those are the only three things i seriously want in my life and i can't have any of them. atleast not immediately.

i'm hungry. it's 20 to 12:00.
maybe i should eat for the first time today.

xo

so what the fuck ever

so i told myself i would make useful posts that people care about. and maybe, someday, i will.

maybe.

but for the time being i'm going to write whatever i want. because thats what i do and thats what im going to continue doing. especially today.

so my search for a new job has slowed somewhat significantly once i realized that no one has called me for a job interview. this is the first time in my entire life i have ever had any problem getting atleast an interview. it's stressful.

and to make matters worse my mind fuck of a boss is being sweet as pie. for almost an entire week so far! it makes me happy to go to work but i feel like im constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop...like there's a catch to everything or that darkness is looming over everything that comes out of my mouth that she may not agree with.

i've been finding myself going through these mini fits of rage lately. like with no cause or anything i just suddenly hate everything for a span of about 2 hours and am the most foul human being ever.

no pleasant. not sure if it's stress or (other) but i wish i knew because believe it or not i don't like being foul.

tonight i have to figure out how i am going to weasel my way to getting osap again so i can go back to school. my mom mentioned something about "throwing myself at the mercy of the government"...but im not sure i like that idea.

speaking of my mom. i love her.

xo

I against I

im infinitely stressed about this.

looks like i'm going to start investing in a TTC pass again.


xo

thinking bout the breeze

today.
tomorrow.
it really doesn't matter. the past 36 hours have abeen a complete blur of me thinking about this non stop and trying to forget it all at the same time.. i'd like to see you try.
day in and day out its the same god damn thing.
pretend not to care.
pretend its alright.
pretend it can only get better.
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh is just a way to pretend that important things dont matter. making myself up to look less shitty than normal is just a pretend way to not feel defeated again.
but as soon as you dont have 100 things to distract you it all comes back. the dissapointment, the grief, the fucking self conciousness that rules your life. the reason why you never get involved in these things in the first place...because when it all comes crumbling down all you have left to hold on to are the things that you hate most about yourself.

i dont know. i'm so pissed off i dont even know what im talking about anymore.

juliaclaire says:
i feel awful

xgenevieve jeansonx says:
im sending the cat

juliaclaire says:
i dont want the cat hahahahha

xgenevieve jeansonx says:
its on its way

juliaclaire says:
you actually just saved me from another half hour of tears

juliaclaire says:
hahahaha

xgenevieve jeansonx says:
yesssss

xgenevieve jeansonx says:
but seriously whats your adress

juliaclaire says:
i dont know the postal code yet

xgenevieve jeansonx says:
ill find out

xgenevieve jeansonx says:
its going at 125 m/ph

juliaclaire says:
the cat?!

xgenevieve jeansonx says:
yes

i quit i quit... you know the rest

and some fuckers love fucking, more than they like to love.
I'm not saying that one is better than the other...
i think they're equally as fucked.

I'm having a much harder time with this than i convinced myself i was going to have. Yesterday i was just grateful to still have something to hold on to that meant something to me.
Today i'm not so sure if thats what i should be feeling.
There are many reasons why we find ourselves attracted to others. whether it be looks, or common interest, or shared goals, or all three. whatever. But what makes such a strong attraction cause such huge issues between two people that it's almost impossible to recover from. If all you're looking for is that common ground or undeniable connection, then why when you find it does it always cause more harm than good.
and by you i obviously mean me. when i find it. i thought i really found it this time.
It's beyond being funny anymore. or typical, or just plain bad luck. it's beyond all things i have any sort of probable cause for and i am actually just stuck criticizing myself for things that are undeniably a huge part of who i am.
so maybe i'm just meant to be alone.
fly solo, so to speak.
maybe the type of people i'm most interested in just aren't ready for the be all or nothing give all or nothing attitude i have when it comes to caring about people who matter.
or maybe i just am the easiest person in the world to be totally enthralled with for a month before it becomes old news.

i am nothing more than last week's front page headline...

this is so weird for me right now. when i say it was like a slap in the face, thats being modest. but even if it hurts right now there's something that keeps telling me you're worth it.
it's never been an issue of my willingness to try.
it's always been an issue of my willingness to try too much.

When everything goes wrong you see some bad...
Well Im just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, please dont let me be misunderstood

xo.

incase anyone thought otherwise...

i'm alive!
and actually doing quite well.
Amongst the insanity that is life these days ( My alternative lego life, WoW, Coconut Curry, a very high 19 year old alex getting mugged on his way to buy "house bunny") , i have indirectly managed to make my life fucking awesome by nothing other than existing.
Upon one of my most recent trips to the differin mall last night, i found myself with an increasingly irritating need to urinate as i browsed the picked over shoe sections of Winners. I don't know how anyone else feels about public bathrooms, but i hate them.
And i really hate them, when some asshole decides to clog ALL of the toilets with as much paper towel as they can get their grubby little wanna-be thug life hands on.
When one walks into one bathroom stall after another seeing nothing but THIS, over and over and over again, it not only brings out my deep seeded rage for idiotic teenage rebellion, but it arises a few very key questions.
If infact, you do feel the need to lash out on society, put a little inconvenience into a perfect strangers day... why in a public washroom? what happened to you in your formative years that you thought, "i'm going to clog all the toilets at the mall today" was a way at getting even? and at the dufferin mall? where half the people there are so low brow that they will just shit and piss in it anyway and leave it for some poor caretaker to unclog 20 minutes later. seems like a whole lot of work for the inconvenience of one poor middle aged woman trying to make a living cleaning public washrooms.
I guess i just wish people would get a little more creative.

I'M BORED OF YOUR STUNTS. AND OVERSIZED GOLD EARRINGS.


YES. EVEN YOU MEAGAN GOOD, MISS OBLIGATORY HOT BLACK CHICK.

anyway, in searching for my clogged toilet picture... i came across this. i don't know what to say about it, and i don't really know if i should laugh or cry, but i want one. either to cuddle and take baths with or to save from a life of complete and total embarassment.




Good luck little buddy. Try not to wind up clusterfucked! (clusterfuck :
Complete pandemonium, often the result of strokery. Diving on the wrong day with the wrong equipment and the wrong attitude. American. See incident pit. )

i'll leave "incident pit" for another day.
xo

Bold move

worst idea ever?

having your family on facebook.

My dad asked me to change my "religious views" part of my facebook profile yesterday. jokes.

I don't know if anyone saw it, but it was an obvious haymaker quote. not that that means it describes how i feel about organized religion any less... but regardless, it really wasn't a big deal.

Hi Hon;
Please do me a favour. Change the "religious views" portion of your profile.
You have a lot of family "friends" that you are now hooked up with reading your profile.
You would be better off leaving it blank.
Love
Dad

By family "friends" he means people i don't know or care about. and i don't think you can even look at my profile if you aren't my friend.

anyway, i guess in his absence of my earlier years my dad forgot that i wasn't raised within any sort of religion. and with the growing awareness of how FUCKED UP it all is, and how many problems it causes world wide, i'm somewhat disheartened that he would try and squash, what is in my opionion, one of the more sane views on it all.

i have never been one to push my views on things upon other people. not even just about religion. and i would like to think a lot of thoe choices i make when it comes to my lifestyle are carefully thought out and weighed pertaining to whats best for me as an individual.

Getting this e-mail, makes me even more dissapointed in the human race than i already am, that we still have such a close minded point of view on things that something as fucking lame as part of a facebook profile would cause any sort of judgemental behaviour or negative action.

it's almost fucking 2009 people.
time to wake up.

xo

well i've got a confession...

ha ha ha ha.

So last night i went out with an old friend to the reservoir lounge.

we actually sat at that exact table and drank wine and listened to this jazz band all night. it was different for me. but good different. with good conversation as always, that comes more naturally than sleep.

i was... fairly intoxicated when i got the text from jenjen on my way home saying she was dans l'hopital. huuuuuuuuuuge bummer. i sad.

i've been working like a dog lately. and my boss is growing increasingly more insane as the days go on. Comming to work every morning is like being a hostage stuck inside a building waiting for a bomb to go off. actually.
no i am not exaggerating.
I spent a solid 4 hours yesterday in the office in silence hearing only the repeated slamming of her wireless mouse.
is it worth it? i don't know. probably not. but until i move, i'm staying i guess.

i'm getting tattooed twice in the next week and a half. i think? i haven't heard from dan since the middle of november so... lets say atleast once.
this isn't interesting.
you aren't at all who i thought you were
you either.
or you actually.
Dissapointed? not really.
Suprised? not in the least.

xo