if only duct tape could fix everything

It seems that we're springing a leak, but I can't, I won't let us drown.
No I can't, I won't let you down.

i apologize in advance for this entire post.

after saying everything i could possibly say and going through the entire spectrum of emotions in a span of about an hour i told myself i had to be ok with this.
so i guess i better find a way to be ok with it, or we're just going to end up in the one place we're trying to avoid being.
this isn't really anyones business but i feel like if i don't write about it im not going to be able to feel better about anything.

There are people who pass in and out of my life everyday who i could care less about. infact i'd say about 90% of the people i meet are utterly usless and not even remotely impressionable in the bigger picture of my existence.
there have been a few when it comes to actual relationships that i thought i felt what i would have considered at the time to be "love" for... but being with you kind of changed my whole perspective on everything.
it's one thing to say the words but it's another thing to feel them with every ounce of your being. the whole "when you love something, let it go" theory seems like such bullshit to me only because when i thought i loved people and they didn't come back to me it seems to have left me a bit jaded on the whole idea.
but with you it's the only thing left thats giving me any hope for there to ever be an "us" again. which is an increasingly difficult thing for me to try and cope with when it still seems like i'm the only one who has to go on without you.
and how is this time different from any others? the difference is even after all the times i've been burned by this type of "i have to figure my shit out" scenario, i actually still believe you. as much as i tried to throw it back in your face yesterday, i believe that you meant everything that you ever said to me. and i believe it really is just bad timing.
i believe that everything happens for a reason... and if we can get through all this as friends... than it's only going to make us that much stronger on the other side.
And thats what i have to keep reminding myself. the hardest part of this entire thing isn't about not being able to call you my boyfriend anymore... its having to just sit back and watch you go through so much. it's not being able to see you. and it's especially not being able to tell you that i love you.
Because i do. so much. edit: and i have suddenly become aware of how deathly afraid i am of you falling out of love with me through all this.

i'm overwhelmed with so many feelings right now but the one thats hurting me the most is knowing how much i'm going to miss just being with you. you taught me how to love myself again. you taught me more about myself than anyone i think i've ever met... which is why this is so worth it to me to be whatever you need me to be right now. as i told you before and i'll probably tell you again, you're it for me. so i just hope you can remember what we have when you come out the other side of all this.

xo